Missing my Mother...

Many moons have passed since my last post last October.  And much has happened.  I've not had the heart or energy to blog about the death of my Mother on November 11, 2012.  Yet with Mother's Day approaching, and all the reminders about celebrating Mom's, I'm compelled to finally write this.

Her death was a blessing, to be sure.  And it is a comfort to know that she was no longer afraid... she smiled everytime we prayed with her during those last weeks.  That in itself was worth everything, because she had been so fearful.  We are so thankful to Pastor Steve Becker and to the Chaplains from Hospice.  They helped her so very very much.  And thankfully, she is finally free from the terrible pain that she suffered from for so very long.

The staff at Oak Creek Terrace, the nurses and aides, led by Carla Becker from Hospice of Greater Dayton were fabulous.  Our family is so incredibly grateful to them for the care and support they gave to Mother, and to all of us.

Watching her slip away that last day was difficult.  I couldn't bear to leave her side, yet I wanted to escape.  We played music for her, especially her favorite: "Somewhere" by Barbra Streisand.  She adored that song, and begged us to play it for her when she was on her deathbed.  And we did.  It was difficult, but it's what she wanted, and we were determined to do anything for her.  We planned her her memorial service, and I think she would have been pleased.  Pastor Steve presided, and we had traditional readings and music.  And we included some other things that I know in my heart would have pleased her very much.  We played "Somewhere" by Barbra Streisand at the end of the service and there were bowls of Milky Way bars for people to enjoy.  Milky Way bars were Mother's favorite, and the main staple of her diet for the last couple of years.  And now that's she's free, I'm sure she's in heaven, soaring freely along the milky way!

From Mother's Funeral:

Memorial Service for Julia Chace Fisher Garretson

Monday, November 19th, 2012, 2:00 p.m.

Woodland Cemetery Mausoleum Chapel

Dayton, Ohio

Pastor Stephan E. Becker - Officiating

Obituary

Julia Garretson, age 81, died at Oak Creek Terrace in Kettering, Ohio, on Sunday, November 12, 2012.

Born April 30, 1931, in Dayton, Ohio, she attended Oakwood High School and graduated from The Masters School, Dobb's Ferry, New York in 1950. She also attended Mount Vernon College in Washington, DC.  She was a loving and devoted mother and grandmother who will be greatly missed by all who knew her.  She was preceded in death by her parents, her husband, Jack S. Garretson and her sister, Elizabeth F. Bruce. Julia is survived by her daughters, Annie G. (Russell) Milliron and Lilli G. (Philip) Lingle; grandchildren, Garretson C. Lingle and Logan D. Lingle; cousin, Anthony Haswell and many nieces and nephews.

The family would like to thank the staff of Oak Creek Terrace for their loving and compassionate care of Julia.  Memorial contributions may be made to Hospice of Dayton, 324 Wilmington Ave., Dayton, OH 45420 or the Humane Society of Greater Dayton, 1661 Nicholas Rd., Dayton, OH 45417.

Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you,

may the wind be ever at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

and the rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Order of Service

Prelude……………………………………...……“Be Not Afraid” ………………………………………………....“Here I Am Lord” ……………………………………………….“On Eagle’s Wings”

……………………………………………….“The Lord’s Prayer”

Readings

……………………………….Ecclesiastes 3:1-11, Russell Milliron

………………………………………..Romans 5:5-11, Mary Clark

……………………………..Romans 8:31-39, Garretson C. Lingle

Gospel

……………………………John 14:1-6, Pastor Stephan E. Becker

Eulogy…………………………………Pastor Stephan E. Becker

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Recessional……………………“Somewhere” By Barbra Streisand and “I will see you in my dreams” by Joe Brown

I miss her.  I miss her desperately.  Knowing this, admitting this, would make her smile, and most likely say something like "I told you so".  And that's ok.. because she would be right. I don't want to be maudlin... I don't feel maudlin.  There's an underlying sadness, but it doesn't consume me.  When it wells up, I let it out.  We're going to the cemetery this weekend with flowers.  It's been awhile, and that's ok.  Because she's not really there.  But we'll take flowers and make it pretty... she'd like that!

I love you Mother.  You are in my heart today, and always.  Happy Mother's Day

I'm in the mood to prattle....

The day dawned, and it is good to be alive. I was snuggled warmly under my mound of blankets when the 2nd snooze rang... it was time.. time to get up and get going. I knew it would be cold... we were supposed to get down to Zero over night. The weatherman confirmed that it was "indeed" cold... -2 to be exact. And if you pay attention to windchill factors, it was somewhere between -10 and -14 depending on the wind. I have no clue what the windchill was at our house.. all I do know is that it was cold- cold Cold COLD! It is a comfort to know that in just a few days, our temperatures will rise into the 40's! A heatwave, to be sure!

Russell and I had planned to drive separately, because I have a concert to go to tonight, and I need to leave work early. He left first, to go to an early appointment. Of course, this was after cleaning off my frozen car, which has been parked since before the great ice storm of 2011. He is such a good guy... he is a blessing. The sun was shining... another blessing, most definitely! After getting the dogs settled, myself ready, out into the frigid world I marched.

And, of course, I noticed some things.

First, our bird feeders are experienced a great deal of activity, which gives me great joy to watch. Our feeders have been visited by White Breasted Nuthatches, Carolina Chickadees, Tufted Titmice, Cardinals, House Finches, House sparrows, a myriad of woodpeckers and Carolina wrens. All of this reminds me that I need to start my bird list for 2011.

Second, as I was driving through the "new neighborhood" I saw several deer on top of a hill. It looked as though they were sunbathing, and perhaps they were. It was such an awesome sight to behold, and I frantically fished my camera from my purse to capture it. I pushed the button to put down the window, but nothing happened. It was frozen, so my plans were foiled. I was running late, and in all honesty, it was simply too cold to stop and get out of the car. Of course, as I look back, I'm kicking myself.

The third thing I noticed as I drove in was that my car was surrounded by swirling snow. What a sight that must have been. All the snow that has been sitting on my "parked car" for the past couple of weeks took flight and I was in cased in my own personal squall. LOL It tickled me... I felt like Pigpen from "Charlie Brown"!

I got to work, went the long way, for some unknown reason.. wasn't really paying attention, which I probably shouldn't admit! My driving was not impaired, but I was just used to going one way, and ended up having to backtrack. And as it turns out, I'm not the only daffy Milliron today. As I walked from the B lot, I saw Russell's truck pull in. It turns out that his appointment is next week.. and not this week!

So I hurried on to my warm office. I logged in, read my email, and checked Facebook. In my email, I came across this awesome quote:

"God is not disgusted by your uncleanliness. You are the one who is so ashamed of your dirt, and you are the one whom He embraces with His love saying, 'Do not worry, I love you just as you are and I will purify you with great tenderness.'" -S.C. Biela “Behold I Stand at the Door and Knock” pg 16

I felt incredibly uplifted by this. It's so easy to get caught up in feelings of guilt and sorry. It's so easy to beat ourselves up over things and to fill unworthy... forgetting of course that we are Children of God... Children who are loved and adored.... and this quote.... well it's breathtaking.

While on Facebook, quite by accident, I stumbled across a post from a high school friend. I learned the very sad news that another of our high school friends lost his son several days ago. and this was also breathtaking... but breath-taking in the saddest of ways. My heart filled with sorrow for my friend and his loved ones. Details are sketchy but they don't really matter. A young life is over... and from all I could see, he was loved and adored by friends and family alike... people who are all struggling in their sorrow to comprehend what has happened.

After reading my friends page for a while, I went back to mine... only to find a post from a relative that they have a new great-grand child. Death followed by new life. I was struck by how the cycle continues... and I thank God, that I am a child of God... because on days like this, when there is so much to ponder, to consider... so much to mourn for, so much to be joyful for.... none of it is possible without Him...

A Rosary VS. My Panic Attack: Rosary 1 - Panic Attack 0!!!

Panic!

I got a call I had been dreading!


I panicked!


I got all hot and bothered.


I got jittery and weepy.


I flew to the car… I must have looked like a mad woman.


I tried to breathe, I tried to calm myself.


Vague, rational thoughts struggled to take control.


Panic is so strong... adrenaline drives it.


Yet the rational, calming thoughts struggled against it.


I tried to concentrate on my driving…


My fingers flying on the radio dial.


Searching for distraction, anything would do.


Nothing worked.


Panic… I allowed myself to be its prisoner.

I was so weak… so human.


In desperation, I prayed


Dear God, I prayed… please help me.


I stopped at a light… frustrated, needing to get home.


I glanced out my window at the car next to me.


And as my eyes focused on the rosary hanging from the rearview mirror,


It stopped.


The panic weakened.


I remembered my faith.


I remembered to turn to Jesus, and lay my worries at His cross.


I breathed.


Calm replaced panic…


God was with me.


It was going to be alright.


It was alright!


Of course it was!


Thank you God, for your loving grace and for your loving mercy.


Amen.

Forgiveness

I have spent the better part of this week wallowing. I've been feeling sorry for myself because my feelings were hurt by some careless, albeit rude words spoken to me a few days ago. I knew immediately that Jesus would as me to "turn the other cheek" and I made a fairly lame attempt to do so. I spent a lot of time regaling other friends with my "tail of woe" and as most good friends would do they shared my outrage and offered words of support, which I greatly appreciated. One would think that I would feel uplifted by their support, yet I was trapped in this awful place, reveling in the misery and toxicity of anger and self pity. It's as if I was a child, lashing out and having a temper tantrum because my feelings were hurt! There are times when anger has it's place. Yet in this instance it was misguided. In retrospect, the original insult seems so pathetically small!

I have only been hurting my self. My conscious kept niggling at me, telling me I was off track and that I needed to let it go. It was time to remember that I'm an adult and to act like one! I prayed to Jesus and to Our Blessed Mother for help. All prayers are answered, in God's own way. I was praying about something else that was causing me great concern... alternating between Hail Mary's and The Lord's Prayer. As I said the words of the "Our Father" I suddenly got a mental jolt. It's hard to describe the sensation... I was whispering the prayer:

Our Father who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us,

and lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

Matthew 6:9-13

As I got to the words:

and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us,

I knew... I knew that my prayer had been answered and that God was letting me know what I needed to know. As I pondered this, I suddenly realized that all that negative energy inside of me was fading.. and fading fast. Suddenly all that was left was peace, and that sensation was awesome. I hadn't expected to get an answer to my former prayer while praying about something different, but I did!

Luckily, I was paying attention this time! And all the pouting, the need to plot and to plan on how "I'll show them" are clearly a waste of time and completely not necessary!

God of Love,

I thank You for the people in my life

who are easy to love.

I thank You for my family and friends

who understand my actions,

who support me in my decisions,

and whose presence can lift the burden of a thorny day.

Help me with those who are difficult to love.

When they come at me with criticism

and wild expectations,

when they ignore me

or try to bend me to their will,

let me recognize their flaws and their dangers.

But then let me remember your attitude toward them,

and lead me to see them

in the light of Your love.

Amen.

Divine Mercy

It's during the night, when I am tossing and turning, that the demons of fear, anxiety and worry really do a number on me. I have vague haunting dreams that torment me until I awake distraught and traumatized. Usually, by the light of day, these "monsters" fade back in to their more "reasonable reality" and become manageable.

I have always had the horrible habit of "stuffing" things when I am worried or troubled. I avoid thinking about them during waking hours. So when I am sleeping, I am relaxed and unguarded, leaving the door wide open for these tormenting demons. I realize that I am not alone in this. And when I say that I am "not alone" I mean two entirely different things: 1) Most people are haunted at night by things that are bothering them; and 2) I am not alone because I have Jesus Christ in my heart, because I am a child of God.

With this past Sunday having been "Divine Mercy Sunday" I was very aware and curious to learn more about what this means. From EWTN's website (click here for a link) Divine Mercy is explained as:

During the course of Jesus' revelations to Saint Faustina on the Divine Mercy He asked on numerous occasions that a feast day be dedicated to the Divine Mercy and that this feast be celebrated on the Sunday after Easter. The liturgical texts of that day, the 2nd Sunday of Easter, concern the institution of the Sacrament of Penance, the Tribunal of the Divine Mercy, and are thus already suited to the request of Our Lord. This Feast, which had already been granted to the nation of Poland and been celebrated within Vatican City, was granted to the Universal Church by Pope John Paul II on the occasion of the canonization of Sr. Faustina on 30 April 2000. In a decree dated 23 May 2000, the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments stated that "throughout the world the Second Sunday of Easter will receive the name Divine Mercy Sunday, a perennial invitation to the Christian world to face, with confidence in divine benevolence, the difficulties and trials that mankind will experience in the years to come." These papal acts represent the highest endorsement that the Church can give to a private revelation, an act of papal infallibility proclaiming the certain sanctity of the mystic, and the granting of a universal feast, as requested by Our Lord to St. Faustina.

After learning about Divine Mercy Sunday, I had a much greater appreciation for what this wonderful feast means for all of us who love Jesus with all our hearts, and accept Him as their Lord and Saviour. And then I went on with my day. It was full, and great fun. We were with good friends on Sunday, celebrating the awesome achievements of one of their sons. The next day was my birthday. Having been raised in a family that makes a big deal over birthdays, I've always looked forward to my day. All in all, it was a good day. However there were disappointments along the day... and looking back now, a few days later... they were not worth the energy that I used in getting upset. During the course of the day, a few "worrisome" things occurred, but being determined to 'enjoy my day', I tried hard to pay them no mind.

So it is not surprising, that my dreams were troubled, and my sleep disturbed. And then, "it" happened. I saw an image of Jesus, very similar to the image at the beginning of this blog. It was the image of Divine Mercy. And I knew that it was meant for me. It was more than a picture... it was Jesus standing before me. The love in his eyes was amazing... the love and light coming from His body was dazzling.

I do not know if this is a vision, or a dream, or a both. I do know, however that the message was very real. It came through, loud and clear. It told me that I was not to fear.. that I was to trust in Jesus. It told me that Jesus was with me... walking with me through the valleys of despair and angst... as well as the peaks of joy and jubilation. And I recall feeling an amazing sense of peace. My dreams ceased to torment, and I slept a peaceful and nourishing sleep. Waking the next morning... I gave this no mind. I went on with my morning chores... and got ready for work. I was still vaguely bothered by things, but I somehow knew that they would "all work out".

It was not until later in the day when I suddenly remembered. And then I knew. I had, had a vision... or a dream. Jesus had come to me. I have friends who have told me stories of dreams they've had... where Jesus comes to them. And I've felt envy and awe upon hearing their stories. The awe at my own experience is incredible. The joy is amazing.

I am a child of God. I love Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ loves me. He is always with me... He walks with me on my path. He walks with all of us who have our hearts open to Him, and have accepted him.

Thanks be to God!

Today I learned...

Today, I learned many things- some things that I have known before but forgotten, some things that I knew but have seen in a different light, and things that are brand new. Yet each of them is valuable.. insight... a tool that I can use to continue to grow, and to learn about myself as well as things that influence my life. All of these are things that I have learned while in retreat.... a Lenten retreat to be specific... and it's been a joyous and insightful journey. And I want to give thanks to God... for guiding me on this path... for walking with me every step, for loving me as only He can do. I want to thank those who have organized this retreat, special Sr. Linda.. for being my mentor. I will treasure our times together forever.

So getting back to the original intent of this particular blog, I would like to share a bit of what I have learned today! So here goes:

*Today I have learned that God loves me... this is something that I have known for sometime, but what is new is that profound feeling of how He really does.. despite my flaws and imperfections, all the "stuff" that covers me, and hides me.. masks me and has altered from the person He created in me, He loves me. He me how I was, He loves me now. He loves me no matter what!

*Today I learned that I need to stay where my feet are! I need to not run ahead of God's Grace. I need to focus on staying in today, in the moment. It's all we really have. I can't do anything about the past, and the future hasn't happened yet.

*Today I learned that I need to breathe.

*Today I learned that I need to have quiet time, to just be!

*Today I learned that there's no right or wrong way to pray. I can find what works for me.. I can write my own recipe for praying, so that I can have my own "tools and ingredients" that help me to pray.

*Today I learned that sometimes it's good and necessary, to clear my head.

*I learned that the Mother I was so closed to "back in the day" is still there.... she's hard to see under all the "stuff" but she is there... and that is the person that I need to focus on when I visit.

And last, but not least, Today I learned that I have choice in everything. I can choose how I react, I can plan. I can choose to do something rather than do something because "I have to". And in doing that, what ever the task is that I am choosing to do, the outcome will be much more positive.

Thank you God, Thank you Jesus, and Thank you Holy Spirit... for being with me on this Journey. I love you.