Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Office Benjamin Kramer Fife's Safety Report

Neighborhood Safety Report

compiled by Deputy Benjamin Kramer Fife

The following information is compiled from the Department of Public Safety Incident Reports. This report is provided as a public service from the Neighborhood Department of Public Safety.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Report #: 060730a
Date of incident: 7/30/06
07:45 Hours

While on my regular morning patrol, I observed suspicious activity coming from an adjacent property. Upon further investigation, I observed a very large object in the driveway. It was very loud. It proceeded to move out of the driveway and along the roadway in front of my territory. The subject was very large and having never seen anything similar to it before I was immediately suspicious. Upon further investigation I have put together a description of the subject: large trailer pulled by big red pick-up truck; on the trailer was a large and very old red farm tractor. The subject appeared dangerous and unruly. I sent the signal for back-up. The subject continued down the road and out of my jurisdiction. I continued to send urgent alarm signals out to neighboring precincts. Subject remains at large and is considered highly suspicious and potentially dangerous. Case status: OPEN!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Report #: 060802a
Date of incident: 8/02/06
07:28 Hours

As I left the station for my morning patrol, I immediately noticed suspicious activity coming from the trees. Upon noticing this, I investigated further. My initial impression was that the sky was falling. However, evidence soon showed that nuts are falling out of the trees, and landing in my territory. Individuals should use caution when walking in certain areas. Case Status: CLOSED!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Report #: 060730b
Date of incident: 8/02/06
07:33 Hours

Continuing on my morning patrol, I noticed a stray canine waking down the street. This suspect was in violation of Statute 995.221, section B2 which states “all canines in public areas must be on a leash at all times”. I immediately sent out an alarm signal and notified the suspect that he was in violation of local ordinances. The suspect approached and I immediately notified him that he should not trespass onto land that is under my jurisdiction. At this point, my presence was required elsewhere, and I was “urged” to go indoors. Subject remains at large and is considered highly suspicious and potentially dangerous. Case status: OPEN!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Disclaimer: While these incidents actually occurred their accounts have been reported to hopefully provide readers with a good laugh. Ben is one of our Newfoundlands. His personality is best described as a cross between Deputy Barney Fife from "The Andy Griffith Show" and Kramer from "Seinfeld".

1 comment:

Nessa Mulheren said...

bwa ha ha ha ha ha! Well thank god he's on duty...imagine the shameless shenanigans that would go on without his tireless diligence!