Office Benjamin Kramer Fife's Safety Report

Neighborhood Safety Report

compiled by Deputy Benjamin Kramer Fife

The following information is compiled from the Department of Public Safety Incident Reports. This report is provided as a public service from the Neighborhood Department of Public Safety.

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Report #: 060730a
Date of incident: 7/30/06
07:45 Hours

While on my regular morning patrol, I observed suspicious activity coming from an adjacent property. Upon further investigation, I observed a very large object in the driveway. It was very loud. It proceeded to move out of the driveway and along the roadway in front of my territory. The subject was very large and having never seen anything similar to it before I was immediately suspicious. Upon further investigation I have put together a description of the subject: large trailer pulled by big red pick-up truck; on the trailer was a large and very old red farm tractor. The subject appeared dangerous and unruly. I sent the signal for back-up. The subject continued down the road and out of my jurisdiction. I continued to send urgent alarm signals out to neighboring precincts. Subject remains at large and is considered highly suspicious and potentially dangerous. Case status: OPEN!

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Report #: 060802a
Date of incident: 8/02/06
07:28 Hours

As I left the station for my morning patrol, I immediately noticed suspicious activity coming from the trees. Upon noticing this, I investigated further. My initial impression was that the sky was falling. However, evidence soon showed that nuts are falling out of the trees, and landing in my territory. Individuals should use caution when walking in certain areas. Case Status: CLOSED!

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Report #: 060730b
Date of incident: 8/02/06
07:33 Hours

Continuing on my morning patrol, I noticed a stray canine waking down the street. This suspect was in violation of Statute 995.221, section B2 which states “all canines in public areas must be on a leash at all times”. I immediately sent out an alarm signal and notified the suspect that he was in violation of local ordinances. The suspect approached and I immediately notified him that he should not trespass onto land that is under my jurisdiction. At this point, my presence was required elsewhere, and I was “urged” to go indoors. Subject remains at large and is considered highly suspicious and potentially dangerous. Case status: OPEN!

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Disclaimer: While these incidents actually occurred their accounts have been reported to hopefully provide readers with a good laugh. Ben is one of our Newfoundlands. His personality is best described as a cross between Deputy Barney Fife from "The Andy Griffith Show" and Kramer from "Seinfeld".

Playing In Traffic...

This day is a perfect is a perfect example of the phrase “take one step forward and two steps back”. To begin with, I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I stayed up late trying to finish a book that “I just couldn’t put down”. I think I finally finished it around 3:30 and of course the alarm went off to feed the dogs around 6:30! And while I thank God every morning for the snooze alarm, using it is only delaying my reality. So after walking and feeding all dogs, and seeing Russell off to work, I slipped back into bed for another hour’s sleep. By doing this, however, I put myself behind schedule.

I had an appointment to meet an appraiser at my Mother’s condo at 11:30. This took about 45 minutes and then I was off to my Mother’s Doctor’s office to pick up a prescription. Of course this isn’t an easy drive because the office is located right across from the Mall and traffic is always horrendous. Plus the parking lot is far away from the office, and while I parked as close as I could, it was still a bit of a hike. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but with the mercury approaching 100 degrees, I was not amused. There was a bit of a wait while they reviewed my Mom’s chart but I was soon on my way.

The mall area is far away from everything else. And traffic being at its worse- I ended up using my “plan B” route. This probably was not that bad of a deal because it got me out of major traffic- for a while anyway! I finally arrived at the pharmacy only to be told that I had to wait a couple of days to fill the prescription due to insurance issues. So I headed back out into the heat and went to the grocery store across the street to pick up some things for my Mom.

And finally, I was on my way to my Mom’s. I was staying late because she was supposed to have her first session with her new physical therapist. However, he never showed. I waited about 45 minutes and finally headed for home. The car was hotter than Hades. When I got home our house was cool and I was greeted by four happy dogs. Russell was working on my Mother’s bills, and that’s how we spent the rest of the evening.